Today, I really needed a break. Just some uninterrupted time to spend alone with my thoughts.
One thing that I didn’t realize, before coming to college, was how difficult it is to find that time. I’m slowly beginning to strike a balance between what I know I need, and everything else that I want to do. This applies to all areas of my life. School, work, friendships, relationships…
Speaking of which, a lot has changed since the last time I had the chance to blog.
One thing is that, recently, I’ve been becoming a lot closer with my roommate. In the first semester, it wasn’t that we didn’t get along, because we always have… But, it took some time before we actually began “bonding,” so to speak. Last weekend, for example, we took a trip to her hometown and spent some time with her boyfriend and a few of her friends. It was really nice to get off of campus and meet some of the people who she is close to.
Not to mention that one of them was an extremely cute boy.
Another thing that has changed is that my work ethic this semester, so far, has been somewhat lacking. I’m really working to change this. I don’t know what has caused the shift in my mentality, but the past few days I’ve been getting back to work. It is definitely a lot more comforting to know that I am trying my hardest in everything I do. I think that, perhaps, I’ve been taking a more relaxed approach to my studies because I’ve been distracted by other things recently.
Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that it has become clear that I slipped into the mindset of a “typical college student” for the very first few weeks of this semester. It isn’t something I am proud of, and it would be an over-exaggeration to say that my grades have taken a huge hit due to this. I am still doing well, it is just that I know deep inside my head that I hadn’t been putting as much effort into my work as I should have been.
Does anybody else feel as guilty about things like that as I do?
I think, sometimes, that I’m guilt-ridden due to my unhealthily overambitious compulsion to better my position in life. If I’m not doing everything I can, and things don’t turn out well for me in the future, I don’t think I’ll forgive myself.
I’m not a very religious person, but sometimes I do feel that I have been blessed with the opportunity to make something great out of my life. And if I don’t take advantage of this… I’m the only one who will be to blame.
I didn’t grow up in a very “well off” family, financially. Things have been a struggle, at times. And, despite the fact that I love all of my family dearly, and that they are all amazing individuals who I could not imagine my life without… Life just hasn’t always been easy. And in high school, I got distracted. I did well overall, mostly A’s with a few B’s here and there in my classes, but I’ll attribute that to the combination of luck and the ability to “BS” my school work. I participated in cheerleading and was often sidetracked thinking about boys (as many high school girls do). But during my senior year, something clicked in my brain, and I realized that it wasn’t working anymore. I took a close look at the people that I admired, and I realized that they didn’t get where they were by sitting around and hoping for success. They worked hard, and I would have to, as well.
So, I committed myself fully to my classes. 7 hours of school every day, plus 6 hour work days during the week and 8 hour work days on the weekend, plus homework, plus trying to maintain some semblance of a normal family and social life, resulted in exhaustion at times, but ultimately taught me how rewarding it truly is to envision a goal, set out to reach it, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
I went into college with the same mindset. Not knowing my end goal, but knowing that if I worked hard and had nothing to show for it, I could at least say I tried. And the first semester of college, I became the secretary of my class, balanced school work with a job at the public safety office, performed community service and taught young children, and obtained a 4.00 grade point average, something I honestly did not think I would ever succeed in. It just goes to show that hard work truly does pay off.
So now, as I sit here in the library, I am trying to get back on that track. I know that I can do this, and that the idle distractions of the past few weeks have been consequences of my own decisions to not invest myself fully. Perhaps it wasn’t just today, that I needed a break… Maybe, the guilt that I feel about this short-lived slip up will serve as a motivation, and will allow me to focus more in the long run. That is what I intend to do, in the weeks to come, and with any luck (and a lot of concentration), it will pay off. (:
P.S. My mom used to call me by my initials, when I was young. I never realized it until now, but… Isn’t that a bit strange?