Birthday Ball

Birthday Ball

This past weekend, some of my friends and I attended my college’s annual Birthday Ball, which honors George Washington’s birthday. It is basically a college version of prom, and it was really fun (as far as I remember)! I’m the short one on the left.

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I Needed a Break

Today, I really needed a break. Just some uninterrupted time to spend alone with my thoughts.

One thing that I didn’t realize, before coming to college, was how difficult it is to find that time. I’m slowly beginning to strike a balance between what I know I need, and everything else that I want to do. This applies to all areas of my life. School, work, friendships, relationships…

Speaking of which, a lot has changed since the last time I had the chance to blog.
One thing is that, recently, I’ve been becoming a lot closer with my roommate. In the first semester, it wasn’t that we didn’t get along, because we always have… But, it took some time before we actually began “bonding,” so to speak. Last weekend, for example, we took a trip to her hometown and spent some time with her boyfriend and a few of her friends. It was really nice to get off of campus and meet some of the people who she is close to.
Not to mention that one of them was an extremely cute boy.

Another thing that has changed is that my work ethic this semester, so far, has been somewhat lacking. I’m really working to change this. I don’t know what has caused the shift in my mentality, but the past few days I’ve been getting back to work. It is definitely a lot more comforting to know that I am trying my hardest in everything I do. I think that, perhaps, I’ve been taking a more relaxed approach to my studies because I’ve been distracted by other things recently.

Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that it has become clear that I slipped into the mindset of a “typical college student” for the very first few weeks of this semester. It isn’t something I am proud of, and it would be an over-exaggeration to say that my grades have taken a huge hit due to this. I am still doing well, it is just that I know deep inside my head that I hadn’t been putting as much effort into my work as I should have been.
Does anybody else feel as guilty about things like that as I do?

I think, sometimes, that I’m guilt-ridden due to my unhealthily overambitious compulsion to better my position in life. If I’m not doing everything I can, and things don’t turn out well for me in the future, I don’t think I’ll forgive myself.

I’m not a very religious person, but sometimes I do feel that I have been blessed with the opportunity to make something great out of my life. And if I don’t take advantage of this… I’m the only one who will be to blame.

I didn’t grow up in a very “well off” family, financially. Things have been a struggle, at times. And, despite the fact that I love all of my family dearly, and that they are all amazing individuals who I could not imagine my life without… Life just hasn’t always been easy. And in high school, I got distracted. I did well overall, mostly A’s with a few B’s here and there in my classes, but I’ll attribute that to the combination of luck and the ability to “BS” my school work. I participated in cheerleading and was often sidetracked thinking about boys (as many high school girls do). But during my senior year, something clicked in my brain, and I realized that it wasn’t working anymore. I took a close look at the people that I admired, and I realized that they didn’t get where they were by sitting around and hoping for success. They worked hard, and I would have to, as well.

So, I committed myself fully to my classes. 7 hours of school every day, plus 6 hour work days during the week and 8 hour work days on the weekend, plus homework, plus trying to maintain some semblance of a normal family and social life, resulted in exhaustion at times, but ultimately taught me how rewarding it truly is to envision a goal, set out to reach it, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

I went into college with the same mindset. Not knowing my end goal, but knowing that if I worked hard and had nothing to show for it, I could at least say I tried. And the first semester of college, I became the secretary of my class, balanced school work with a job at the public safety office, performed community service and taught young children, and obtained a 4.00 grade point average, something I honestly did not think I would ever succeed in. It just goes to show that hard work truly does pay off.

So now, as I sit here in the library, I am trying to get back on that track. I know that I can do this, and that the idle distractions of the past few weeks have been consequences of my own decisions to not invest myself fully. Perhaps it wasn’t just today, that I needed a break… Maybe, the guilt that I feel about this short-lived slip up will serve as a motivation, and will allow me to focus more in the long run. That is what I intend to do, in the weeks to come, and with any luck (and a lot of concentration), it will pay off. (:

-ADK

P.S. My mom used to call me by my initials, when I was young. I never realized it until now, but… Isn’t that a bit strange?

College Life Update

Okay, so for those of you who do not know, I go to a pretty small liberal arts college somewhere in the north eastern part of the United States. As winter break came to a close, I prepared myself to return to campus for a leadership seminar. This seminar began on Thursday night with a welcome dinner, where the president of my college spoke. Rather than an honors college, my school has a selective group called the “Presidential Fellows,” of which I am a member. Everybody who was invited to the seminar was a member of this group.
Throughout the seminar, we were encouraged to keep a journal, which they gave us at the very beginning. Essentially, the seminar was full of things like speeches by reputable alumni (with whom we were also given the opportunity to speak in a more private setting), activities to test our social skills, networking tips, advice from our college career center, and lots of good food. I did enjoy the food.
Overall, I really have to say that I appreciated the seminar and have no regrets about returning to campus early for it, even though it meant that I missed out on spending the last few days of winter break at home. I think it is amazing that at my college I have these types of opportunities. I especially enjoyed being able to speak with the alumni, because it was honestly really inspiring to see such successful people who had once been in my very position. They were all so open and gave really realistic advice about how we could advance our personal careers and network in an advantageous manner. I was really thankful for this.
For example, one woman who came to speak on an “alumni panel” (which was where we got the opportunity to ask specific questions) had attended law school, practiced law for 4 years, but had ultimately decided that it wasn’t right for her. Now she works on the board of some fundraising committee. She was the ideal person for me to speak to, because I am very seriously considering law school. It is a goal I would like to work toward, but I know that the need for lawyers has been declining. So I asked her if she thought that attending law school would be worth the time investment and the financial burden in the modern day, despite that one may come out of school and be faced with little opportunity to begin as a practicing attorney. She basically told me that she has never regretted her decision to attend law school; that it teaches you to think in a way that is unparalleled, and that there are so many other things that can be done with a law degree that it truly is worth it, as long as you go into the education with the understanding that you might come out doing something other than just practicing law. This was great for me to hear, because I want to attend law school, but I don’t even know if I want to be a lawyer. I could use such a degree, however, to enter a public service or government- based job, which may be ideal for me.

Now that the leadership seminar has come to a close, I am just relaxing in my room. My second semester of classes begins tomorrow. I’m pretty excited, because I am one of those nerds who actually enjoys homework and reading and learning and stuff. I am taking 5 classes this semester, which is 20 credits at my school, as opposed to the 4 classes I took last semester. I am hoping that it won’t be too difficult or stressful, because maintaining my 4.0 GPA would be ideal!
The classes I am taking are: introduction to world politics, media and politics, macroeconomics, intermediate Spanish II, and literature and composition. I am hoping I can make it out alive.

Additionally, as a goal of mine has been to be more physically fit and healthy, I plan to visit the gym more with my roommate and some of the other girls who live on my hall. We are such a close-knit community, and for that I am truly thankful. It has made my adaptation to college life a lot easier. So, tomorrow, I will probably attend class, go to lunch, do some homework, visit the gym, do some more homework, and sleep. #typical

Anyway, that’s just a little update about what has been going on in my life. I apologize for taking so long to update my blog, I’ve been busy the past few days with moving back in, readjusting, and such.

Thanks so much to anybody who read this! Follow my blog or comment so we can chat!
XOXOXO,
Alex

Relationships.

First of all, I’d like to apologize for how long it has been since I last updated this. I’ve been going through a lot lately and have been super busy, and the last thing on my mind has been blogging. My apologies!

In reviewing my last posts, I realized that I have devoted a lot more time to the topic of relationships than I thought. Much more than I originally intended. I guess it’s just something that has been a big issue in my life recently. So today, I decided to start at the beginning and offer an explanation.

It all started about 2 and a half years ago. One day, in the summer, I decided to randomly text this boy with whom I had always been friends. We had never really hung out before, because he had been dating a girl that was sort of my friend, but at the time she was mostly just somebody who I cheered with and saw at school. So we began talking, and he was at the beach with some friends at the time. He was acting flirty, and that wasn’t something I was used to. Eventually, he ended up asking me if I’d ever thought about what would happen if we were more than friends. I don’t remember my exact reply, but whatever it was, we ended up hanging out about a week later.
It was kind of awkward, because we were in that awkward limbo between friends and more than friends, and we had never looked at each other that way before. He picked me up in his truck, and we drove around for a while, not really knowing what to do (I live in the middle of farmland, so there was nowhere really exciting to go or anything). We ended up going to his house. He asked if I wanted to go inside. I said, “it’s okay, I’ll just wait here,” thinking he just wanted to pick up a few things. After that, he we drove around a little more, and he dropped me off at home.
We hung out a few more times, and eventually, when we were laying down in his bed once, we kissed (which he later told me was “horrible,” while I was thinking it was cute and romantic). That was when everything changed. That was the beginning of 2 years of sleepovers behind my mother’s back, and a relationship that began completely unexpectedly.
I guess it always begins that way, or so they say. But there was more to the story.
When we started dating, he was essentially still in love with his most recent ex girlfriend. I didn’t figure this out until months into the relationship, and I guess I just had hope that he was just still getting over everything that happened and it would be fine soon. But then I realized that he had feelings for the girl before her, too, still. 
I realized this first when we once broke up over a silly fight. It wasn’t a big deal, but we hadn’t been dating that long either, so I guess we took some things too seriously and others not enough. Anyway, the next day at school, his ex girlfriend came up to me and told me how he had texted her the previous night (when we broke up) and offered to ride his bike to her house (a 16 mile trip, he had done it before, though) so that they could have “one last try.” I didn’t think much of it, because I knew she completely shut him down. I should have realized that his feelings were the ones that mattered, though.
Then, when I realized he still had feelings for his other ex, who he dated for 2 years prior to the girl I was friends with, that was a big ordeal. It was VALENTINES DAY. The first one we spent together. He texted her, asking if she “ever felt anything for him, even just the slightest bit.” The girl basically sent me the entire conversation, and he essentially was begging for her to say anything that indicated that she had any feeling for him left over. How the fuck was that supposed to make ME feel, when that was our first valentines day together, and we had been dating for half a year at that point? I started feeling like I was losing hope.
Other incidents occurred, too. And with all of these issues, you probably think I was stupid for not just ending things way back then. I think I was stupid, too. But I suppose I didn’t at the time.
Then, somewhere along the way, things began to change. He acted more like I was the only one on his mind, and did a lot more “boyfriend”ish things. It was fun, and a lot better. 
One night, I believe it was new years of 2013, I was at my dad’s house. I had no phone service, so I used a texting app on my iPod to talk to my friends. I was talking to another guy, and he asked if I would ever kiss him. I said: “maybe if I didn’t have a boyfriend.” Now, I recognize that this probably wasn’t the best way to put it. But I kind of said it in a sarcastic manner, and I never thought much of it. At any rate, when my boyfriend found the message on my iPod, he made me feel like anything but a loyal girlfriend. I can understand being upset, but he blew things way out of proportion and has never let me live this down.
But, we got through that. And a year later, I can say that I am not happy with where we are. There are other issues, as well; I am in college 2 hours away, I don’t find him as physically attractive anymore, we are just different people. Different from each other, and different from who each of us used to be. But, unfortunately, I think that our old problems are much more of a factor than I often let myself believe. Whenever I’m unhappy, my mind drifts back to the way I used to feel.
I always feel guilty for not ending it a long time ago.
So now, we are back in that awkward limbo between “friends,” and “more than friends.” Although… I’m not quite sure we can be either.

We haven’t talked much the past 3 days. Maybe 1 text a day. He’s the one who was hurt, this time, when the idea of breaking up was mentioned.
I don’t feel much of anything, anymore, when it comes to him. And that’s not healthy.
I’m hoping by not talking as much, we’ll be distanced from each other and eventually, things will just fall into (or out of) place, as they are meant to.

I’m really sorry for the long relationship rant. I just needed to get this out. I don’t know if anyone can relate, and I know it might make me look stupid. It might make me appear as a complete idiot for not realizing things sooner. But I hope someone can relate, or that this post brings humor to your day in some way?

I promise this isn’t all I have to say, I’m just feeling a little down right now.

Thanks to everyone who actually read this fully. And to anyone who even tried.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
Alex

One of Those Nights

It’s just one of those nights where everything seems to be going wrong.

I have to be up in the morning for work, and as a result, I’m up late. Why? Because it’s one of those nights where everything is going wrong. If I were asleep now, at a reasonable time, that would defeat the purpose of making me miserable.

I’m just kidding, sort of. I won’t blame my current lack of sleep on anything other than my guilty conscience about forgetting to post yesterday. I was busy visiting my dad though, which is decidedly more important (no offense, blog).

But, seriously. I should be so happy right now. My weekend was great. My car’s finally another step closer to being fixed. I have to work the whole week but then I have a short break off of work before I have to go back to college. And, although I’m going to miss a lot of things, going back to college sounds quite appealing at times. So why am I upset?

I’ll answer that question with another question: why do I allow my emotions to depend upon the actions and feelings of another human being? Another human being who, I might add, is not exactly known for being the most positive in the world? You’d think after 2 years, 4+ months I’d have learned that I should have just given up. But, I’m still in this limbo between “in a relationship” and “single.” Why? I know which one would make me happier. I know what I need and what is most realistic, but I allow myself to question all of that because I know how sad it would make the other person if I just did what I wanted to. But considering that said person is unhappy the majority of the time anyway, would it really make that much of a difference?

Why do I always feel the need to justify my thoughts and feelings? Am I just a typical girl??

I really just want to be able to feel like I can do what I want in life; travel the world, buy a house, explore cities, read lots of books, write, drink coffee every second of everyday, clean obsessively because I hate messes, and play my guitar whenever I want. And I want to do that with somebody, but I’d be happy enough doing it on my own. 

I’d rather be alone than with another person who is only making happiness harder for me to achieve.

Yes. That’s passion, not love. Passion fades. And once it does,
you’re left taking care of someone you can barely stand, suffering
through hard times, putting up with each other, trying to make each
other happy when you’re not even happy yourself. A sculpture of real
love wouldn’t look this enticing. It would include pain and cruelty

-When the Heart Falls, by Karpov Kinrade

 

It’s clear to me that I need to make a change in my life.

I’ll continue to update. Hopefully the next post won’t sound as melancholy; I’m sorry for the negative outlook I’m portraying here.

Good night,

Alex

Guilty Midnight Post

I’m sorry blog. We haven’t had quality time in over 24 hours. It’s not you, it’s me.

So I’ve migrated today. No longer am I at a hotel. I’m at my dad’s house for the first time in awhile with my brother. It’s really nice to be able to spend quality time with my family over this break.

So my dad’s doing this thing where he grows this duck dynasty-esque beard. Why? I’m struggling with whether this should be attributed to a mid life crisis, high intake of beer, living in the middle of nowhere, or (most likely) a combination of the three.

So I just realized I have a habit of beginning my thoughts with “so.” That is SO not okay. 

Okay. That was a bad pun. But I usually make really good puns. And lots of them. You’ll see this in posts to come.

I can’t wait until I can begin incorporating politics into my posts. In case you didn’t know, my intended major in college is political science. I might double major with economics, and I definitely want to minor in Spanish. Soy muy inteligente. (; just kidding. Kind of. I try a lot though. 

But yeah. I truly love studying politics and government and power and statistics and such. I really am a nerd. 

Blah. Why do I ramble so much? Maybe I’ll start finding prompts for these posts. I never know where to begin. I hope people enjoy reading this, even though my thoughts are about as focused as a scrabble game.

Goodnight/morning, folks. Thanks for reading! 🙂 follow me!

Xoxo,

Alex

Things Are Going Swimmingly

I’m currently sitting in a comfy chair by a pool (who knew they put comfy chairs by pools?) and dwelling on a big decision I have to make in my life. It’s stressful. The decision involves a boy with whom I have been in a relationship for over two years. I’m not very good at this.
I firmly believe that people are shaped by their experiences. Not every personality trait, habit, opinion, friendship, or romantic relationship is able to withstand just everything. So these things that are major aspects of our life and our selves, sometimes they end up disappearing.
I never planned to let college change who I am. My boyfriend has always had issues with change and makes it seem like people who “change” have something fundamentally wrong with them. Which isn’t fair. People are always growing and adapting to their current situation. So, when I realized that I had a change of thought and wanted something other than a long distance, stressful, lengthy relationship at the moment, it wasn’t a pleasant thought to have to deal with. I’ll leave more insignificant details aside, but this is the current issue I’m wrestling with emotionally.
On a completely unrelated note, I’ve recently become so addicted to Grey’s Anatomy. I have absolutely no interest in medicine which makes me question why I like it so much. But, I do. And since I’ve begun the new hobby of knitting, the two facilitate each other quite nicely. A symbiotic relationship. (Is that right? Like I said, no interest in medicine… Due to a less than successful experience with science.)
And, something I never thought I’d say? I’m excited to go back to school. Sure, I may be one of the only people fully reliant on scholarships at a school with many wealthy people’s kids (I once heard a boy complain that “all his dad ever did for him was fund his surf school worth $25,000”) with no concept of the value of anything (more about that later), but in the end, being there is one of the best things ever to happen to me. There are so many doors being opened for my future and it’s so rewarding to see all my efforts being successful. Financial hardship is not foreign to me, but in that environment, I feel like everything is going to be okay.
So this is where I stand, probably for the next week or so. But you’ll find out more as I continue to write daily!
Thanks to anybody who took the time to read this. Leave a comment, let’s chat!

Xoxo,
Alex

New Beginnings, etc.

Hello, all!

So, today is January first. The beginning of an entirely new year. The past year (2013) has consisted of many drastic changes in my life, good and bad. I’ve graduated high school, traveled, begun my studies at college, said goodbyes, met many new friends, and have taken steps toward finding my path and direction in life.

Despite the “good” events I’ve been lucky enough to enjoy the past year, there are several changes I would like to make in my life. Though I understand and appreciate that resolutions made on New Years are quite often overrated and given up on, I believe that it can’t hurt to try. And, my willpower has been at an all time high since starting college. So, here are my goals for 2014:

1. Begin and keep up with a blog. (Check- so far!)

2. Remove negative people, things, and influences from my life.

3. Stay organized and motivated, and stick to my goals such as getting good grades and participating in things I enjoy at college (working toward the eventual goal of law school!)

4. Keep in touch with family and call/ text the ones I don’t see frequently more often.

5. #4, except with my friends.

6. Go to the gym more often and get in shape for the sake of being healthy, not looking a certain way.

7. Read more (for pleasure).

8. Get my car in working shape or find an alternative.

9. Get an internship over the summer, or at least shadow somebody or do something that will give me experience necessary to advance my career.

10. Possibly take up a 3rd job while at school, if time allows.

11. Allow myself to go out more, have more fun, and enjoy non class related activities more frequently.

12. Start something new! A club/organization, fundraise, organize an event, contribute ideas.

13. Become more politically active.

14. Remain positive, no matter what. Everything happens for a reason, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger: attitude is everything.

These goals may seem simple or silly but I really feel that they are important to me and will allow me to enjoy a more successful, happier year.

I hope whoever is reading this had a fantastic new years celebration, and keep checking for new posts; there are more to come!

Xoxo,

Alex